I used to say I could complain about modern day dating for hours and hours.
But in actual fact I couldn’t. Because there’s no such thing. Our generation missed the lesson in romance. There’s no singing a rendition of Can’t Take My Eyes Off You on the bleacher stairs, no man tackling his fear of heights to climb up my fire escape. And instead of hoisting a boom box above their head outside my window the most romantic exchange of music comes from the sentence, “Your turn with the AUX cord babe.” At this point I’d honestly go for a Puberty Blues moment and appreciate a chikko roll.
I blame Tinder and think our generation needs to consider the profound quote from Dora the Explorer, “Swiper no swiping.”
Online dating takes out any of the actually getting to know someone, you have time to formulate your answer, make sure you don’t sound dumb or cocky and google the band you’ve never heard of that they ask if you like and speed read 4 reviews before replying,
Meanwhile you haven’t stopped listening to Taylor Swift since you were 12 and you’re eating a bowl of stale cornflakes as you type,
By this time you’re wondering if you’re a full time catfish and when Nev and Max are going to show up on your doorstep. But other girls will assure you, this isn’t lying, this is impressing, this is dating.
Not to mention the time stamp on all things romance, wait at least 15 minutes to reply to his message, and don’t even think about texting him for at least three days after the first date. I get that Cinderella and the Prince didn’t make contact for a while after the ball but they had real issues, involving pumpkins and mice and evil sisters so unless you can match that, there’s no reason we shouldn’t text the boy back. Also don’t double text, (send two separate texts without a reply of theirs in between) so draft those little blue bubbles like it’s a highschool English paper because if you forgot to include something there’s no going back. Never tell someone how you feel, obviously. Just allude to it in your instagram caption, reblog said photos and text posts on tumblr, fit it in 140 characters on twitter, fuck, find a recipe on pinterest that represents your feelings and pin it to your mother fucking cooking board.
I’ve spent all this time calculating and planning purely to appear casual, chill and thoughtless when in reality I could’ve trained for the Olympics and come back with 2 gold and a silver in the amount of time that it’s taken me to work out how long I should leave it to follow him back on instagram or how far into the relationship you have to be to send a meme.
I’m done feeling like I need to have a degree in psychology to date someone. I’m done feeling like a company that could dispatch your order with express shipping but waits the 3-5 business days.
If you like someone, tell them.
If you don’t, tell them.
And let’s all stop fucking the already convoluted system of dating or else we’re all going to be 40 and alone still wondering if it’s too soon to send a meme.