If tanning is skin cells in trauma then my follicles are going to be in the waiting line at the therapists office for the next 10 years. And if every time you’re sunburnt you increase your risk of developing skin cancer, then I think this burn is sending me straight to the dermatologist.
INGREDIENTS: 1 human
1. Preheat the sun to 38 degrees.
2. Do not prepare your human for the inevitable sun damage they are about to endure, walk them straight out into the day. Do not coat in sunscreen do not dress your human in a hat or sunglasses.
3. Leave human to cook for approximately four hours.
4. After your human is completely burnt wait three to four days until the skin has changed from a bright red to a dull brown and begins to peel off.
5. Enjoy! You now have one sunburnt human.
This is the longest break I’ve ever taken from blogging since I started. And I’m well aware that the excuse, ‘I was sunburnt’ is weak, but man, I was sunburnt.
I was in the sun for four hours, with no sunscreen, no hat on I transformed myself into a human shaped tomato.
I then spent the next days taking cold showers (baths don’t work because my body temperature just made the water hot), rubbing aloe vera and wincing every time I had to move. I barely left the house and when I did a lady shook her head at me and whispered ‘tourists’ to her husband. I was too embarrassed to inform her that I had in fact lived here most of my life.
But if I thought the sunburn was bad what came after was worse. Never have I ever peeled before but I knew pretty much instantly that the amount of skin that was shedding from my body was not normal. Sheets and sheets of skin were simply peeling away, and once I completely shed it all it would start again with the new layer. I had to wear tight clothes to work so the dead skin didn’t fall out onto the floor. If that’s not the grossest thing you’ve ever heard you’re lying.
So my advice? Wear sunscreen, slip slop slap and do every other S thing that prevents you from ending up like me, 3 weeks since being sunburnt and still looking like a snake shedding it’s skin for the winter.